The 5 Communication Mistakes That Are Destroying Your Relationship (And How to Fix Them)
Conflict between romantic partners is inevitable. Whether it be a marriage or some other version of a long-term relationship, attempting to avoid or deny conflict is a losing strategy; a better one is figuring out what to do when conflict does happen.
As a licensed counselor*, I’m practically obligated to tell you that communication is an important part of a healthy relationship — but you knew that already. Everybody knows that. But what’s less clear to most people is exactly which patterns of communication between partners may not be helpful at best, and utterly destructive at worst.
The word “helpful” is key here, and I use that word deliberately. Determining whether behavior is helpful or not is much more effective than the universal — and often more divisive — labels of “right” and “wrong”.
Helpful behaviors are those actions which support the relationship and our partner during conflict, with the goal of resolving specific issues. Unhelpful behaviors are those that seek to punish our partner during conflict, with the goal of forcing them to submit to our point of view.
Highlight this next sentence:
Punishing behaviors are never helpful behaviors.
That’s because the goal of punishing behaviors is often about making ourselves feel better by making our partner feel worse.
And while no partner always gets it right, getting it right most of the time may be enough. Much like an effective diet strategy, you don’t have to “eat clean” 100% of time — just more than less. That’s why being mindful of our behavior matters, and why engaging in more helpful behaviors with our partners can make all the difference.
1. Radio Silence
What happens: Tensions can run high in the moments that immediately follow an argument with your partner. Maybe you feel angry and hurt by what was said. And if the conflict was particularly heated, making your partner sweat it out by ignoring them for a while might seem like a good idea. So, without warning, you let their calls go to voicemail, ignore their texts, and make yourself scarce around the house — anything to avoid having to interact with them.
Why it doesn’t work: The problem with radio silence is that it’s a punishing strategy rooted in anger. It’s the exact opposite of effective communication. In attempting to force your partner into submission by denying them your attention, you also deny them the ability to be heard. But the damage goes even deeper. Refusing to interact with your partner — especially if it’s done without warning — conveys to them that they aren’t valued and that the relationship isn’t secure. The former is bad, but the latter is worse, and they’re both connected. Not feeling valued in a relationship leads to feeling insecure about the integrity of the relationship itself, which in turn, can inspire your partner to look elsewhere for attention or simply leave the relationship.
Try this instead: If disengaging from your partner for a short time helps you to cool down, just say so. Returning to the disagreement with healthier behaviors is much better than continuing on with behaviors that could be damaging — but you have to communicate this. Talk to your partner about your plans to cut back on communication for a time, and be specific about how long (ideally nothing longer than a day, two at most). Be sure to use language that takes full responsibility for your choice, without implying that your partner’s actions will decide whether or not you resume normal communication. Being forthcoming in this way makes it possible to create space for cooling off, while still providing your partner with the security of knowing that the conflict is secondary to your bond. The absolute worst thing you can do is say nothing.
2. Potty Mouth
What happens: Being able to put our frustrations and anger into four-letter words can provide a great sense of “release” in times when we’re stressed. It’s pretty cathartic. But it’s also a way of communicating that commands attention. Cursing can send the message that our emotional experience is intense and serious, and that those around us should take notice. That’s why letting f-bombs fly during a heated exchange with our partner can feel so effortless and liberating—it’s hard to ignore. We curse to emphasis our negative emotions, with the hopes of feeling that our partner is truly hearing us.
Why it doesn’t work: While wanting to be heard is a valid desire, words matter. And curse words carry a particular power and meaning that may not seem obvious, but can cause unintended damage. Using fowl language during an argument is a lot like filling the the air with second-hand smoke. Just being in the room can be harmful to your partner. Curse words make for a negative environment of tension even when it’s not explicitly directed at your partner in the form of name calling (which, by the way, is the easiest way to destroy your relationship, and should never happen).
To better illustrate the power and implications of cursing, think about someone in whose presence you would never curse. Bosses, children, parents, and grandparents are common answers. Now ask yourself why you wouldn’t curse in front of those people. I’d imagine the answer involves some combination of respect for that person, caring (about children and their development), and wanting to present yourself as someone with integrity (in the case of your boss or colleagues). Those desires should also apply to the relationship shared with your partner.
Try this instead: When you feel your inner sailor mouth creep up in the middle of a spat with your partner, try speaking slower or pausing purposefully between sentences to create an opportunity to catch yourself. Then reach for a less intense word or some throwback childhood phrases. Swapping out F-bombs for “friggin”, “fudge”, “heck” or “hell” may seem ridiculous at first, but it may be just enough to take the edge off before stamping out the habit for good. It can also bring mindfulness to how much you curse. Baby steps. But real talk: there’s no way around this one, except that you’ve got to make the commitment to stop cursing with your partner. Think of it as a challenge. I’ve seen high-school students cut out the culturally dominant filler word “like” from their sentences and transitions in about two weeks. And if they can do it, so can you.
3. Throwing Up the Score Cards
What happens: When the stress of work, family, and household obligations begin to mount, it can force you to reevaluate how much you’re taking on verses your partner. And right at the apex of an argument over something else, it can be tempting to unpack an entire list of grievances about how your partner doesn’t contribute as much as you, or how much more you bring to the table than they do.
Why it doesn’t work: Rattling off an impromptu list of things your partner hasn’t done right since the beginning of the relationship is counter productive for a few reasons. First, its primary focus is negative, showcasing only what your partner doesn’t do — and it’s almost always exaggerated or distorted to satisfied your anger in the moment. Second, pulling out the score card shifts the focus of the argument and moves the goal posts to include an impossible task — changing the past. So, even if your partner wants to address your primary concern, they’ll never have a time machine, and now they’re tied up with having to defend their entire record. And lastly, recounting an long list of times your partner has failed creates the false impression that they “never do anything right,” and that they aren’t valued.
Try this instead: Keep the focus of an argument as singular as possible. Introducing too many concerns at once can confuse and overwhelm both partners and wastes time and emotional energy. Restating your present concern throughout the argument can be helpful to ensure things stay on track. And ideally, try to avoid an event where you list every instance your partner hasn’t lived up to your expectations. Instead of implying that your partner should be able to change the past or be perfect, try addressing each issue as they happen. This ensures that you’ll have a fresh example to support your concern, and your partner won’t feel ambushed by a mountain of grievances all at once.
4. Zero Sum Game
What happens: In nearly all disagreements between partners there’s an inherent drive to make your partner see things your way. Regardless of the issue, a clear and predictable dichotomy quickly emerges: you are right, and your partner is wrong. And when they don’t understand or share your “correct” perspective, anger and frustration can tempt you to become an immovable object. No matter what evidence your partner brings for their perspective, you’re not budging, and nobody wins. You’ll accept nothing less than a full apology and a notarized statement of acquiescence to your superior assessment of the situation.
Why it doesn’t work: Expecting — and even demanding — an apology may be appropriate under certain circumstances, but it may not get you anywhere in the long game. And in the grand scheme of things, consistent results can matter more than a single moment of vindication. Basically, work smarter not harder. Trying to force a surrender from your partner creates a win/lose dynamic that defines partners as opponents instead of teammates. And when it comes to more serious topics, offering a contrived apology can feel especially invalidating, where one has to give up on advocating for their experience, while being forced to adopt their partner’s. The ability to put what’s good for the relationship before one’s ego is an advanced skill that can take years to master, but it pays in spades.
Try this instead: Invite your partner to contemplate your perspective, rather than demanding they blindly validate it. And seek to contemplate things from their view. For this, asking questions always works better than brute force verbiage that tries to pin blame. Ask your partner, explicitly, what their point of view is. Next, ask if they’re able to understand your point of view. Then, discuss both. This approach serves to break down the divisive dichotomy of right and wrong, and acknowledges that both partners may have valid experiences that simply clash. But most importantly, it’s a strategy that validates you and your partner as a team, and that working toward the common goal of resolving the disagreement benefits both of you.
5. Police State
What happens: As relationships pass into long-term status, partners can fall into patterns of behaviors that often surface as reoccurring arguments: maybe you don’t always clean up after yourself in the kitchen; maybe your partner overspends here and there; or maybe one of you keeps forgetting to clean the cat box regularly (that one’s me). Whatever the case in your relationship, there may come a stretch of time where many of the interactions with your partner become corrective and negative. During the few and precious moments spent away from other obligations, you may find that much of that time is spent on arguments over why something wasn’t done, or inquiries about how expectations weren’t met. When the overall quality of interactions with your partner become more negative than positive, that may be a sign that something isn’t working.
Why it doesn’t work: Relationships should be a respite from the outside world and the stressors of our many other roles. Time with our partners should be a source of unconditional love, growth, and security — not endless campaigns of criticism, doubt, and negative energy. If time spent with your partner largely consists of you engaging in the three C’s — correcting, criticizing, and complaining — your partner won’t have much incentive to further invest in a relationship that regularly makes them feel inadequate.
Try this instead: Don’t get complacent about what your partner contributes to the relationship. Find ways to praise them every day. This must be an explicitly effort–a written note, or said aloud and in person. Don’t assume that your partner knows how much they are valued simply because you haven’t argued with them. Operating under the assumption that doing what’s expected shouldn’t require praise can transform a relationship into a flat and transactional affair — like a job where one does just enough not to get fired, but from which no deeper satisfaction is derived. You have to be a cheerleader for your partner, not just a coach. Being a consistent source of validation, praise, and positive recognition for your partner provides a sense of security and confidence that will carry you both through future conflicts more easily.
